Croque Monsieur, the ultimate culinary equation

HAM, cheese and bread. What, at first, may appear to be three of the most basic ingredients in culinary equations has transformed many a foodie and chef into obsessive mad scientists, in search for their ultimate combination.

While scientists may spend hours in front of their blackboards, trying to solve problems which will finally see them awarded the Nobel Prize, our tireless food fanatics are searching far and wide for the perfect balance to the ever-elusive the HCB conjecture. Mathematics may be complex, but when it comes to ham, cheese and bread, you may be stretching into a branch of algebra which makes even the Millennium Prize Problems look like a walk in the park.

With ever-changing variables, based on the smallest adjustments, the HCB is a convoluted equation. Should B2 automatically be solved as H2C2 or does in require the inclusion of Lettuce and Tomato for equilibrium? Are Ketchup and Mayonnaise variables or absolutes? Can Mayonnaise be wholly disregarded and replaced with Mustard, no matter what the assumption or must they be combined for a truly balanced solution?

B2/(TLH2C2) or B2/(LTH2C2)?

B2/(THCLHC) or B2/(HLTC)?

Where does the K fit in this? Or the M? And then which one, or both?

A new school of thought eschews the H2C2 altogether and redefines B to propose a BLT conjecture! Is this the realm of genius or heresy?

Above and far beyond the realm of the HCB conjecture, comes an ultimately more multifaceted conjecture, though. Only discussed in hushed tones and well away from the chalk and pencil marks of more staid researchers, exists The Croque. Adding both masculine and feminine gender-differentiators, a much-debated addition of intricate fluid mechanics – known only as Be – and energy modifiers as an overall catalyst, the Croque is the granddaddy of all HCB variations.

And yet, word was going round that one had cracked the problem.  In a moment of enlightenment, not only did he overlay the HCB with the contested Be, he managed to integrate it within the original equation as well, creating unforeseen effects of stability. As a finishing flourish, he included one more variable; a distinctive variation of M, elaborated by French scientist in 1856. A final coup de grace to all those that had battled the Croque conjecture in the past or a personal folly that would bring the whole equation crashing down?

One Sunday morning, a group of aspiring HCB researchers, also known as the Croque Police Tastings (Click to sign up), composed of @Garlicconfit, my dear D. and I, embarked on an expedition to investigate, assess and analyse the fruits of their travails. The culinary community was rife with commentary, ranging from scientific speculation to playful mockery, but it did not detract the from the team’s concentration and diligence.

Our goal: To verify that the most complex HCB conjecture variant, had been irrevocably solved.

Our target: The Draft House where Charlie Mc Veigh and his team took on the challenge to find the right equation.

Our findings? Ladies and gentleman, here it is, I give you the perfect Croque Monsieur!


Two slices of Bread, Béchamel inside and outside the Croque Monsieur, Ham and the ultimate touch: some Dijon Mustard. What a clever idea!

The toasted bread was crunchy, and not too soggy. The béchamel and the cheese combined together created a good texture. The ham added a very enjoyable meaty taste and the Dijon Mustard gave a great kick to the dish.

Well done to the Draft House for their hard work!

The Draft House Northcote
94 Northcote Road
London SW11 6QW
020 7924 1814

The Draft House on Urbanspoon

13 thoughts on “Croque Monsieur, the ultimate culinary equation

  1. Pingback: uberVU - social comments

  2. I have to say I have a very enjoyable croque madame at Patisserie Valerie in Knightsbridge. Can’t have too many of those though, my poor waistline suffereth!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s